Pillow Talks

Only 36% of our audience says they've tried mutual masturbation.

Which means most of you are missing out on one of the most erotic, intimate, and surprisingly easy things you can do with your partner.

It sounds intimidating. Maybe even a little awkward. But here's the thing: it doesn't have to be.

In this episode, we're breaking down what mutual masturbation actually is, why it's so hot, and exactly how to try it for the first time (even if the idea makes you nervous).

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:


Why mutual masturbation is one of the best ways to learn what your partner actually likes


How being "on display" for each other can be surprisingly sexy


Simple, low-pressure ways to bring it up without making it weird


What to do if you feel shy (hint: a single candle goes a long way)


Creative ways to level it up once you're comfortable


How mutual masturbation can help you overcome shame around self-pleasure


Why this can be a game-changer for orgasming with your partner

You don't have to be adventurous or fearless to try this. You just have to be a little curious.

And this episode will give you everything you need to get started.

🔥 Want to take your foreplay skills to the next level?
The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are Vanessa and Xander's step-by-step guides to expertly pleasuring your partner, with detailed techniques, animated GIFs, and audio walkthroughs.


Over 100 unique techniques for fingering, oral, hand jobs, and blow jobs


Beautiful animated illustrations so you know exactly what to do


Written and audio versions of both guides


Inclusive language and visuals, because everyone deserves great pleasure

Whether you want to build confidence, learn something new, or just blow your partner's mind tonight, this is where to start.

👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: vmtherapy.com/foreplay

Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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We're back with another real-life couples coaching session.

Have you ever gotten to a point where sex doesn't just feel uninteresting… it feels like something you actively resent?

Where you love your partner but the thought of being touched makes you want to crawl out of your skin?

That's what's going on here. And there is so much underneath it.

We're talking about what happens when orgasm has always been a struggle, when postpartum and hormones change everything, when porn creates unrealistic expectations, and when "just doing it anyway" starts to backfire.

Because this isn't really about libido.

It's about feeling heard, feeling safe, and figuring out how to be on the same team again.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:


Why "low libido" isn't the real issue here (even when it looks like it)


What happens when sex has never been physically easy or enjoyable for her


How postpartum, nursing, and hormones quietly reshape desire


The pressure she feels to want sex "like the girls in porn" and how that kills connection


Why doing it anyway when you don't want to builds resentment, not closeness


What it looks like when both partners feel frustrated and neither feels understood


How to start talking about sex without it turning into the same old fight

If you've ever felt like you and your partner are speaking completely different languages when it comes to sex… this one's going to feel really familiar.

You're not broken. You're not alone. And there is a way through this.

🔥 Ready to feel more confident in your pleasure?

Finishing School™ is Vanessa’s step-by-step program for understanding your body — and learning how to experience real, reliable pleasure in a way that actually feels good to you.


Follow a clear, proven framework for building arousal and orgasm


Learn the most valuable techniques women actually use to get there


Stop guessing and start understanding what works for your body


Expand your pleasure so sex feels more varied, flexible, and fun

This is about making pleasure something you can learn… and actually enjoy.

👉🏻 Check out Finishing School™ here: http://vmtherapy.com/orgasm

🔥 Ready to make this easier (and way more consistent)?

If you want an easy way to keep conversations like this happening (without having to “figure out what to say” every time), check out The Spark.

Fun, flirty, sex therapist-created relationship ideas you can try together every month. Think: connection boosts, date night inspo, a new sex position, and simple, low-pressure ways to keep intimacy on the radar.

You can wait for connection to magically happen… or you can let us deliver it straight to your inbox each month. It could be the best $9 you ever spend.

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================
THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS
==========================
👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW
👏Thanks Birch. I want my listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎ https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS
👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow
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We do weekly “ask us anything” boxes over on Instagram… and let’s just say… you all really show up with the questions 😏

Today, we’re bringing your q’s to the podcast and diving into them for real.

We’re talking about everything from sex pillows to dry spells, morning sex mismatches, body confidence, toys, and what to do when your partner just isn’t that into the resources you know could be helpful.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:


The pros and cons of sex pillows (and whether they’re worth trying).


How to think about a “dry spell” in a relationship (and what’s actually normal).


How to navigate it when one of you loves morning sex… and the other one really doesn’t.


Whether you actually need to feel horny to initiate (this one might surprise you).


How to feel more comfortable in lingerie (even if it feels awkward at first).


What to do when you’re tired from life, parenting, and work… and intimacy isn’t top of mind.

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “huh… I wonder about that too,” — you’re going to feel very seen in this episode.

Because these are the kinds of questions so many people have… they just don’t always say out loud.

🔥 Want sex that makes you go… “wait, why don’t we do this more often?”

If you’re down to play, explore, and discover new ways to turn each other on, The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are where things get very fun.

Clear, expert-backed step-by-step techniques for how to touch, tease, and build pleasure in ways that feel really, really good.

Because it’s not just about “leading up to” something else… this is the good part.

👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

👉🏻Get the sex pillow: Head to vmtherapy.com/pillow to get 10% off our favorite sex pillow (code will be applied at checkout)

Stay connected:


Follow us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vanessaandxander


Want more tips like this delivered straight to your inbox? Sign up for our weekly emails: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe


Don’t forget to subscribe to Pillow Talks so you never miss an episode!

==========================
THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS
==========================
👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW to get up to 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com
👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW
👏Thanks Birch. I want my listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎ https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS
👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

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Most parents dread “the talk.”

How much are you supposed to say? When do you start? What if you say the wrong thing?

If you’ve ever felt awkward, unprepared, or secretly hoped your kid would just… figure it out somewhere else — you’re not alone.

But here’s the truth: talking to your kids about sex doesn’t make them reckless. Research shows it does the opposite. It reduces risky behavior, increases safety, lowers shame, and strengthens your relationship.

And it’s never too late to start.

In this episode, we break down how to move beyond one big, terrifying “talk” and instead create short, ongoing conversations that actually work. No lectures. No shame. Just practical, real-world guidance from a licensed sex therapist who’s been helping families navigate this for over 20 years.

💛 In this episode, you’ll learn:


Why “The Talk” is a myth (and what to do instead).


The research-backed benefits of talking to kids about sex.


How to get clear on your why before you start.


How to define your family’s guiding principles around sex.


The 5 core conversations every parent should have (and how they evolve by age).


Conversation starters and scripts you can actually use.


What to say when your kid asks a question that completely catches you off guard.

You don’t have to be perfect.

You don’t have to have all the answers.

You just have to be willing to start.

And that willingness? That’s what makes the difference

🔥 Want Step-By-Step Support?

If you’re ready to become the parent your kid can talk to about anything — and you want all the guesswork taken out of it — Beyond The Birds & The Bees: Raising Smart, Safe, Shame-Free Kids gives you scripts, age-by-age guidance, and clear direction on how to raise safe, smart, shame-free kids.

It’s not just about having better conversations.

It’s about breaking cycles.

👉 Learn more here: vmtherapy.com/kids

Stay connected
📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Zocdoc. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and instantly book a doctor you love today. ➡︎http://Zocdoc.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Birch. I want my listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎ https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re talking about something that explains so much of the tension couples feel around sex and desire.

And no — it’s not about having a “high” or “low” libido.

Desire isn’t as simple as being “in the mood” or not. It’s shaped by how desire shows up for you — in your brain or your body — and when you want intimacy — before or after emotional connection.

When you combine those two dynamics, you get four distinct Desire Types. This is a framework we created to help couples finally understand why they might feel like they’re not on the same page when it comes to intimacy.

Understanding yours (and your partner’s) desire type can completely change the way you approach sex, connection, and feeling wanted — without blame, shame, or pressure.

💛 In this episode, you’ll learn:


The difference between spontaneous (brain-first) and responsive (body-first) desire.


Why some people want sex to create connection — and others need connection first.


The four Desire Types and the strengths and challenges of each.


Why your type might shift depending on stress, life stage, or relationship season.


How to use this framework to open up better conversations with your partner.

We’ll walk you through simple prompts to help you figure out your type, then break down what each combination looks like in real life.

No stereotypes. No “one of you is broken” narratives.

Just a clear, compassionate way to understand how you want sex — and why your partner might want it differently.

If you’ve ever felt mismatched, confused, or frustrated around desire… this episode might be the clarity you’ve been missing.

🔗 Links & Resources

🔥Discover Your Desire Type Here

Want to know your type for sure? Learn your Desire Type and get personalized insight into how you experience desire — plus what it means for your relationship.

👉 Take the quiz here: https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type

✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun.

The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9!

👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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