What Fresh Hell: Parenting, Relationships, and Making Life Better, with Two Funny Moms

When family routines fall apart, it can feel overwhelming to attempt a reset. But getting things "back to one" is possible. In this episode, we answer a listener’s question about how to get routines and household expectations back to normal after a chaotic stretch.

We discuss:

Why family systems can break down gradually or all at once

The questions to ask yourself before actually trying to fix anything

How clear expectations when things are calm can make it easier to know what you're returning to

How to respond to the pushback you will probably encounter

Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode:

Sege, R. D., and Siegel, B. S. for Pediatrics: Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children

CDC's Essential Tips for Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers:
Tips for Relying on Routines and Rules

CDC's Essential Tips for Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers:
Tips for Responding to Behavior

Harvard University Center on the Developing Child: A Guide to Executive Function

Amy Sutherland for the NYT: What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage

Our episode Creating Systems That Work

Our episode How to Make the Back-to-School Transition a Little Easier

Our episode When Kids Hate Transitions

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This Deep Dive series revisits some of our previous episodes about dynamics with our parenting partners.

Have you and your spouse slipped into "angry partners at the 24/7 daycare" mode since your baby was born? Here's why relationships change after kids, and some real solutions that can help us get through it.

Amy and Margaret discuss:

The number-one reason relationships change after a baby is born

Helpful perspectives for maintaining sanity during early parenthood

Small steps for building back connection with your partner

Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode:

Jessica Grose for the NYT: ⁠Fighting Constantly after Baby? Read This⁠

Doss BD, et al. ⁠The Effect of the Transition to Parenthood on Relationship Quality: An Eight-Year Prospective Study⁠.

Alex Vance for Verywell Family: ⁠4 Ways To Focus On Your Relationship When the Kids Keep You Busy⁠

Jessica Grose for the NYT: ⁠Bickering More After Kids? Learn how to avoid the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse.⁠

Christina Caron for the NYT: ⁠How to Reconnect with Your Partner After Kids⁠

⁠Judd Apatow: "Who Slept Worse?"⁠

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

How do we parent middle schoolers while simultaneously experiencing the PTSD of our own middle school years? Kristin Hensley and Jen Smedley , co-hosts of "I Mom So Hard," join Margaret to talk about their how new book, THE MIDDLE SCHOOL MOM'S SURVIVAL GUIDE, approaches puberty, changing friendships, and the increasingly high stakes of parenting tweens and teens with plenty of humor.

Margaret, Kristin, and Jen discuss:

How our own middle school experiences can color the way we parent

Why kids need room to make mistakes and figure things out for themselves.

Why being bored makes a kid more interesting

Parenting middle schoolers while navigating perimenopause, menopause, and aging parents

Here's where you can find Kristin and Jen:

https://imomsohard.com

Listen to the "I Mom So Hard" podcast

@imomsohard on FB, IG, YouTube, and Threads

@realimomsohard on TikTok

Buy THE MIDDLE SCHOOL MOM'S SURVIVAL GUIDE: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9781668201916

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

There are several sneaky ways for the people we work with, or live with, to get away with participating less in the work that needs to happen. "Weaponized incompetence" became TikTok-famous during the pandemic, and most of us became more aware when that was being deployed.

A recent Substack post by Ask Astrid suggested that "weaponized passivity" may be a subtler but equally effective opt-out option. When someone says "I don't care what we have for dinner, I'll eat whatever," are they being generous, low-key, and collaborative? Or are they declaring themselves "not it," knowing dinner will still be served (by you) and they'll still get to eat?

We discuss:

How to spot weaponized incompetence, weaponized passivity, and weaponized irritability

How gender roles and socialization teach women to anticipate the needs of the domestic sphere, while rewarding men for being hands-off and largely inattentive

Practical ways to challenge these patterns, including recognizing that “not caring” doesn't mean something doesn't need to get done

How these dynamics show up with our kids, our teenagers... and yes, sometimes, ourselves

We loved Ask Astrid's Substack on this topic and refer to it heavily in this episode. Read for yourself: Meet weaponized passivity: incompetence's quieter sibling

Here are links to some of the other resources mentioned in the episode:

Maggie Zhou for Refinery29: Why Is ‘Weaponized Incompetence’ Blowing Up On TikTok? Because Too Many Of Us Do It

Fresh Take: Allison Daminger, WHAT'S ON HER MIND- The Mental Workload of Family Life

Changing the Invisible Workload (with guest Eve Rodsky)

Celestial Sylvia on FB: Weaponized incompetence in "You Can See Everything"

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This Deep Dive series revisits some of our previous episodes about dynamics with our parenting partners.

There are lots of reasons why someone might find parenting easier when their spouse is not around, and not all of them are a cause to call in the couples therapist. A listener posted in our ⁠Facebook group⁠:

Anyone else feel like things are easier when their spouse isn’t home? We’ve been dealing with some family issues so he is out of town. I find that when he isn’t here, my kids listen better, we make a good team and work together, they sleep better, etc. Is that weird? How can one person make such a difference? Not much has changed except I do a little more (take out the trash, drop kids off at school) so it’s not that I have more time. It just seems more peaceful in our home or something. And to be honest, I’m not sure it’s a good sign!

When we're solo parenting, we have more alone time, we don't have to negotiate child-related or housework-related decisions, and there are fewer dishes and dirty clothes to wash. If you like it when your spouse is away, that doesn't mean you love them any less or they're a bad spouse. But are there advantages we can consider making part of our parenting all the time? That might also be a possibility.

Amy and Margaret discuss:

Why it's easier to solo parent sometimes

How the pandemic changed couple dynamics

How to discuss with our spouse how we feel

Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode:

Katie Cloyd for Scary Mommy: ⁠"My Life Is Easier When My Husband Travels"⁠

Meredith Bland for Parent Map: ⁠"Parenting is Easier When My Husband is Out of Town"⁠

⁠We Did Not Sign Up For Being With Our Spouses 24/7 (with guest Damona Hoffman)⁠

⁠A Room Of Our Own: Claiming the Space We Need⁠

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

⁠⁠https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/p/promo-codes/
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices