Why She Stayed

How do we read between the lines when our abuser has gotten really good at coloring within the lines?

Deploying control often looks like mastering their craft and becoming “less messy.” As abusers become more skilled at controlling their partners, their methods may become harder to recognize, explain, and prove to others.

We also talk about how they use "non-expensive" methods of control because "expensive methods" of abuse can leave evidence, make it easier for others to believe you, or help you trust yourself.

This episode is about learning to look beyond what is obvious and recognizing the control that exists between the lines.

All Links:
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The Control Code episode (Lindsay): https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-92-abusers-dont-lose-control-they-deploy-it-with/id1742281264?i=1000778726836
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In this episode, Hannah shares her story of what happens when coercive control slowly changes who you are.

One of the things that ultimately helped Hannah leave was seeing the cycle of abuse unfold in such a short, compressed period of time. When the highs, lows, conflict, consequences, and reconciliation began happening so close together, she was able to see the pattern more clearly—and recognize that this wasn’t a series of isolated incidents.

She also shares how he would repeatedly tell her that she needed to get out and pack her things. This became a powerful way of reversing victim and offender and shifting responsibility onto her.

Aimee Says tool: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select

Book a 1:1 with Grace: https://tr.ee/SKRHbDuUnZ

Guest Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/haannahdanielle/?hl=en
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In this episode, I’m sharing my honest thoughts on whether the word “narcissist” may actually be setting us back when it comes to understanding abuse and coercive control.

We talk about why focusing so heavily on whether an abusive person is a “narcissist” can sometimes distract from what matters most: the behavior, the patterns, the power dynamics, and the impact of the abuse.

I share my perspective on why I think it’s worth taking a step back from the narcissism conversation and looking more closely at coercive control and the dynamics of abuse.

A Resource for Survivors:
If you’re looking for additional support, check out Aimee Says, an AI tool designed to help survivors of domestic abuse.
Use code GRACE at checkout: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select
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In this episode, Helen shares her story of the subtle ways coercive control made her believe that she was the problem.

She shares how he repeatedly blamed her for leaving “right when he was about to get things right,” pressured her sexually by suggesting other women would pursue him if she wasn't "his covering, and even involved their children by asking, “Do you want Dad to have to get a girlfriend?”

Helen also describes how he compared her to other women and used criticism about her being “clumsy” to make her second-guess herself and constantly walk on eggshells.

What looked like frustration, disappointment, or relationship problems was part of a larger pattern designed to shift the blame onto Helen and keep her focused on fixing herself.

Aimee Says AI Tool: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select
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Helen's Instagram page: https://www.instagram.com/helennataliec/?hl=en
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How do you know when an abuser’s “change” is actually just another form of control?

In this episode, I break down the clear signs that an abusive person is not truly changing, including real text messaging examples and behaviors you may see after leaving.

I also talk about how you can respond in a way that gives you greater clarity and helps you recognize a stream of clues that the change is performative or temporary. We’ll talk about using boundary setting as a tool for yourself (not because you expect a coercive controller to respect your boundary indefinitely), but because a boundary can create a marker for YOU to refer back to.

Their response to that boundary can give you a stream of new evidence to help you remain focused while you are away from them.

If you’re struggling to determine whether someone is truly changing or simply changing tactics, this episode is for you.

Aimee Says AI Tool: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select - use code GRACE for a discount.

Abusive Men Describe the Benefits of Violence Article: https://www.bwss.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/

Quotes used from the book "Why Does He Do That"
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