Why She Stayed

If you never read another book, listen to another podcast, or consume another piece of content about abuse, there is one thing I want you to understand:

If you continue looking at your relationship through an incident-based lens, you will always end up asking the wrong questions. You’ll focus on individual moments — What did he say? What did I say? What happened right before the argument? Could I have handled that differently? Did I contribute to this? each incident, it becomes incredibly easy to conclude that you could have done something differently.

That is exactly why pattern-based thinking is so important.

Instead of examining each incident as though it exists independently, pattern-based thinking asks you to step back and look at what is happening over time. What function does his behavior serve? What does it consistently produce? What happens to you as a result?

The more you analyze individual incidents, the easier it becomes to put yourself on trial. An incident-based lens can leave you endlessly trying to solve individual moments. A pattern-based lens allows you to finally see the system you are living inside.

Write These Questions Down
As you listen, I want you to write these questions down and begin applying them to the interactions you have experienced:

What is the function?
What outcome is this producing?
Why does this work?
What about this is effective?
How does this destabilize me?
What is the sentence designed to do?
What is the impact on me?
How does this erode my clarity?

These questions move you away from “What happened in this one argument?” and toward “What is this behavior accomplishing within the larger pattern?”
That shift can change everything.

Aimee Says Link: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/home?via=grace
Use Code "GRACE" for a discount.

Schedule a 1:1 with me here: https://linktr.ee/gracestuart01?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAcGRvZgJleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZA85MzY2MTk3NDMzOTI0NTkAAadSCqIThrr8DL-EI5lNwPKf4xpSvBk5gz2uryK-e1VOqEVdiXi2-vlkNuEVTw_aem_HJGz5_nmZ5wQrP2wQInssw
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In this episode, I sit down with Wednesday to talk about how the nervous system can become attached to predictability—even when that predictability is harmful—and how an abuser can become both the poison and the antidote, the distress and the comfort.

Wednesday shares how her ex used martial arts, clumsiness, and “accidents” to explain away physical trespasses—creating just enough "truth" to make her question what was actually happening.
We also unpack:

Why we sometimes wish our abuser would do something obvious enough to finally give us permission to leave.
How early lack of commitment can look like the opposite of control, making us chase harder and overlook warning signs.
“Why are you making me out to be the bad guy?” / “You think I’m some kind of monster?” / “Why do you always assume the worst of me?”
How phrases like “You’re making an elephant out of a mosquito” turn legitimate concerns into evidence that we are the problem.
Why physical abuse is so often accompanied by an explanation: “I didn’t slam the door on you—you didn’t move.” “I didn’t kick you—you walked into my foot.” “I wasn’t pushing you—I was trying to calm you down.”
How an impending exit date can change an abuser’s behavior—less arguing, more emotional withdrawal, and a relationship that suddenly appears “peaceful,” making you question whether leaving is really necessary.

Links & Codes:

Aimee Says Code: Use code GRACE at checkout: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select

"If He Hit Me I Would Leave" Poem: https://emmarosebyham.substack.com/p/if-he-hit-me-i-would-leave-him

Guest's Instagram Page: https://www.instagram.com/wednesdaysamantha/
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Ali shares the brutal reality of trying to leave an abusive relationship and how, after leaving and returning over and over again, she began to lose trust in her own ability to stay gone.

In this episode, we talk about:

Why repeated leaving and returning can create a deep distrust in yourself.
How isolation can make you feel that talking to your family “too much” is strange or abnormal.
How she began hiding the truth from friends and family in an attempt to reclaim autonomy over her own decisions.
The mind game of believing, “If I can just be perfect enough, maybe we can get back to how things were in the beginning.”
How abusers capitalize on partial truths and technicalities to shift blame and make you question your own reality.
Why focusing on the technical details of an incident can make you completely miss the larger pattern of coercive control.
And finally, what changed when Ali became ruthless about staying gone.

Guest details are private for now, but listeners can DM me on @whyshestayedpodcast on Instagram if you would like to request to message Ali.
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Everyone asks what happened the day Aubree’s husband shot her twice, murdered their nearly six-month-old son, Kymani, and then took his own life.
But the deeper question is: What happened long before that day?

While many people assume lethal domestic violence begins with physical abuse, Aubree’s story demonstrates something experts on coercive control have long understood: the pathway to extreme violence often begins with isolation, emotional abuse, and the gradual erosion of a person’s autonomy—not necessarily previous acts of physical assault.

Aubree describes how her husband increasingly isolated her from the outside world, manipulated her decision-making through fear, and became consumed by conspiracy theories surrounding COVID-19. What initially appeared to be opinions or personal beliefs evolved into tools of control. His distrust of institutions, technology, and society became justification for limiting her independence, influencing where they lived, and keeping her increasingly disconnected from others.

Throughout the conversation, we explore how paranoia, grandiose thinking, and fear-based narratives became mechanisms for coercive control, shaping nearly every aspect of their lives while making the abuse difficult to recognize for what it truly was.

If you’ve ever wondered how relationships escalate to lethal violence without a history of physical assault, this conversation offers an important look at the patterns that too often go unseen.

Aubree's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/reclaiming.aubree/

Content Warning: This episode contains discussions of domestic violence, homicide, suicide, and the death of an infant. Listener discretion is advised.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Everyone asks what happened the day Aubree’s husband shot her twice, murdered their nearly six-month-old son, Kymani, and then took his own life.
But the deeper question is: What happened long before that day?

In this episode of Why She Stayed, Aubree shares the story of the timespan leading up to the unimaginable tragedy that left her paralyzed and forever changed her life.

While many people assume lethal domestic violence begins with physical abuse, Aubree’s story demonstrates something experts on coercive control have long understood: the pathway to extreme violence often begins with isolation, emotional abuse, and the gradual erosion of a person’s autonomy—not necessarily previous acts of physical assault.

Aubree describes how her husband increasingly isolated her from the outside world, manipulated her decision-making through fear, and became consumed by conspiracy theories surrounding COVID-19. What initially appeared to be opinions or personal beliefs evolved into tools of control. His distrust of institutions, technology, and society became justification for limiting her independence, influencing where they lived, and keeping her increasingly disconnected from others.

Throughout the conversation, we explore how paranoia, grandiose thinking, and fear-based narratives became mechanisms for coercive control, shaping nearly every aspect of their lives while making the abuse difficult to recognize for what it truly was.

If you’ve ever wondered how relationships escalate to lethal violence without a history of physical assault, this conversation offers an important look at the patterns that too often go unseen.

Aubree's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/reclaiming.aubree/

Content Warning: This episode contains discussions of domestic violence, homicide, suicide, and the death of an infant. Listener discretion is advised.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.